Being a gym buff (once upon a time) and also a gearhead, I’ve often been asked these questions - what the hell are steroids? Are they safe to use? Is it worth the trouble? Why are they banned in so many countries?

“Steroids” are actually a general term for any substance that is derived from cholesterol. Corticosteroids, which happen to be excellent anti-inflammatory agents (such as hydrocortisone and betamethasone) do not have much anabolic effects and can’t be used for bodybuilding, but they’re technically steroids. Therefore, from this point on, when we mention the term “steroids”, we’re actually referring to AAS, i.e. Androgenic and Anabolic Steroids.. steroids that have a positive effect on protein synthesis and testosterone levels; steroids than have anabolic and androgenic properties.

While I was at Thailand, I demonstrated to my friends (to their surprise) of how easily steroids are available over the counter in most pharmacies. Just ask them if they have it, and they’ll whip out a catalog for us to choose. Actually, it’s the same case in India, Brazil and many other countries. Steroids are sold over-the-counter in pharmacies, with descriptions of legitimate medical indications, e.g. “For the treatment of such-and-such syndrome and the promotion of protein synthesis”.

Many gym buffs or people who are trying to get fit would be tempted to get on ‘roids at one time or another, myself included. But we always have serious reservations - are they safe? Why are they illegal in most countries?

Let’s start with the latter question. Why are they illegal in many countries?

This was a remnant of Reagan-era politics. During the Reagan Administration, steroids were labelled as “drugs”, and the “War on Drugs” extended to steroids. It’s more of a political maneuver than a scientific one, as hundreds and thousands of athletes continue using steroids under medical supervision, and steroids are a part of AIDS patients’ cocktail of drugs to combat muscle wasting.

Here are some quick facts about most AAS:

1) By themselves, they’re not chemically “addictive”. Steroids do not cause addiction.

2) Steroids have drastic side effects, but only in unreasonably high doses. Hell, we get bad side effects from excessive sugar and rice too, right?

3) Different steroids have different pathways and different effects.

4) Not all steroids are created equal. The risk of side effects and the potential for big gains are inversely proportionate. The faster-acting a steroidal compound is, the higher the likelihood of short-term and long-term side effects. The “weaker” a steroidal compound is, the less its likelihood to impart detrimental side effects.

Alright, so what the heck are steroids anyway? I’ve heard bullshitters at the gym that said steroids are chemicals that help you build muscles. In Thailand, the pharmacists refer to steroids as “hormones”. Both are technically not-so-correct, but the former more so. Steroids are not merely “chemicals”. Steroids are derivatives of testosterone (or other steroidal hormones such as nortestosterone, dihydrotestosterone and ecdysterone), or they could also be agonists of protein synthesis that do or do not involve the action of androgenic receptors (that is mediated by testosterone).

Arguably the first steroid ever discovered was androstenone, which gave scientists a clue towards the discovery of testosterone (which is actually a contraction of a very descriptive name that was coined upon its discovery - testicular sterol ketone, whereby “sterol” refers to “steroid alcohol”). Testosterone was basically an organic ketone that exerts effects on steroidal receptors, and it originates from the testicles. Anyway, back to steroids being derivatives of testosterone and the like.

One of the most “popular” forms of steroids are testosterone esters. These are nothing but the hormone testosterone itself that’s binded to at least 3 to 4 different esters of different chain-lengths. These esters decay in water at different rates, and upon their complete decay they will release the free testosterone molecule. That’s how testosterone esters achieve their “timed release”. 4 different esters of different chain lengths, decaying at different rates, thus releasing free testosterone in the blood stream at different rates. By carefully selecting the appropriate ratio of testosterone esters based on the esters’ half-lives, a user can ensure a steady elevation of free testosterone levels for up to a week.

What the heck do all these free testosterone molecules do?

Well, for one, they’ll bind to the steroidal receptors on the muscle tissues. Receptors and agonists function like locks and keys. When an agonist binds to a receptor, it will open the lock, i.e. activate a function. In this case, when testosterone binds to the steroidal receptors, it will trigger the muscle to grow via hypertrophy. Muscular protein uptake will increase, and protein synthesis to thicken the muscles’ myofibrils will ramp up.

Another mechanism in which steroids can act is to activate protein synthesis directly without binding to the steroidal receptors. Some steroids have a strong anabolic (muscle-building) response but a weak androgenic (sex-hormone related effects) response, but this is not always the case. Most steroids have strong anabolic AND androgenic responses. Those with minimal androgenic response are those that do not trigger the steroidal receptors directly.

For here, we can see a potential to maximize our gains - by combining steroids that are androgenic/anabolic, together with steroids that are anabolic and not-so-androgenic, and combine it further with stuff that dampen androgenic response. That is how the practice of “stacking” steroids came about.

For example, testosterone esters are very anabolic and androgenic at the same time. When you’re on it, you’ll be getting acne, water retention, balding, etc. (all those unwanted androgenic responses) in addition to massive muscle gains. Those androgenic responses happen due to testosterone’s tendency to aromatize to estrogen.

To minimize androgenic effects, we must then combine testosterone esters with some estrogen blocker, which are usually breast cancer medication such as Tamoxifen and Nolvadex.

Waiting for an anabolic response from steroidal receptor action will take some time, sometimes up to 3 weeks. So what do we do in the meantime? How do we get our bodies up to speed? Well, naturally we’ll have to jack up protein synthesis without raising androgenic effects in the meantime. Combining another steroid like Dianabol early in the stack will help with this, since Dianabol is quite fast-acting and triggers protein synthesis in a very rapid and direct manner.

And there we have it, a classic stack that is used by bodybuilders - Dianabol to give some gains while testosterone esters are taking their own sweet time to kick in, in combination with Nolvadex or Tamoxifen to reduce androgenic effects. That’s what the bodybuilders that I know use.

But what are these side effects that people always hear about? Steroids’ side effects can be divided into two broad categories:

1) Androgenic side effects

2) Liver-related side effects

Androgenic side effects are the most common. They’re the direct result of the masculinizing effects of testosterone on women (for women steroid users), or the aromatization of testosterone into estrogen (for men users). This can be overcome or avoided by using smaller dosages of steroids, or stacking them with estrogen blockers (for men).

As for liver-related side effects, they are the result of overloading the liver with oral steroids for more than 4 or 5 weeks. While testosterone esters are injectable steroids, others such as stanolozol and dianabol are oral steroids that need to be metabolized or processed by the liver in order to take effect. However, the human liver is so damn efficient that it’s more likely to neutralize steroids before they can exert any effect. So, oral steroids are made with an alkyl group attached to the 17-alpha position of a testosterone molecule, a process known as 17-alpha alkylation. Alkylation involves methylation or ethylation of the testosterone molecule, thus replacing the hydrogen atom with a carbon atom.

17-Alpha-alkylation through methylation and ethylation serve to enable steroids to pass through the liver without being broken down, but at a cost- the liver isn’t able to metabolize the modified molecule, and thus the methylated or ethylated testosterone molecules pass through the liver undamaged while retaining their androgenic and anabolic properties. The alkyl group cannot be removed by the liver and the testosterone (or other steroid molecule) isn’t able to be rendered inactive to their 17-keto steroid form.

Subsequently, the liver has to work overtime to metabolize the modified molecules but to no avail. This is the factor that causes extra stress to the liver in users of oral steroids. Alkylation of testosterone with different methyls and esters can give rise to different combinations of steroid molecules with various anabolic and androgenic effects, hence the wide variety of steroids available in the market. However, 17-alpha alkylation also comes with another price - when the testosterone derivative aromatizes to an estrogenic compound, it would be a methyl estradiol equivalent, i.e. a potent estrogenic compound. Thus, 17-alpha alkylated steroids could be more potent that testosterone esters and testosterone suspension, but they could also potentially impart more significant estrogenic effects.

Therein lies the difference of reality vs perception - many would think that oral steroids are safer than injectable steroids, because if you use an injectable (like T-esters or Deca durabolin) you’ll look like a junkie. The truth is that injectables are always safer than orals. However, orals are often faster-acting than injectables. Orals also have much shorter half-lifes (a few hours for Dianabol, versus a few weeks for testosterone esters) so they stay in our bodies for a shorter period of time.

(However, even the claim that orals increase the odds of liver damage seems contentious - traditional methods of determining liver damage involve mainly ALT/SGPT and AST/SGOT tests, which test cell damage by gauging enzyme leakage. That was what the steroid-related liver damage research was based upon. However, ALT and AST values can also be elevated by MUSCLE DAMAGE. Hence, the increased serum glutamic values could be from damaged muscle cells as a result of high-intensity workouts in steroid users, and not necessarily from liver damage due to steroid use. Tests that can reveal the difference between muscle cell damage and liver cell damage, such as creatine kinase testing in combination with GGT, provide circumstantial evidence that oral steroids do not cause liver damage in doses taken by bodybuilders after all..)

Through all of this, a common thread can be seen- steroid usage involves compromises. Bigger gains at the expense of health. Lesser liver damage at the expense of gains. However, this doesn’t only apply to steroid usage, it applies to most supplement usage. Only that with steroids, the effects are faster, both in terms of gain and side-effects.

There’s another thing about steroids - no matter what, they’re just like supplements. You can’t be popping some potent AAS like Dianabol and sit on your ass all day, and expect to grow muscles from out of nowhere. It doesn’t work like that. Steroids are a helping-hand when you’re PAST your genetic limit. Only when you’ve reached a plateau will you find steroids helpful, and even so you’ll need to work your ass off to get that extra mile. Steroids help you to break down the obstacles a bit, but it’s no free ride.

What’s the most realistic expectations can one have from steroids? Personally, I would say that it would help with lagging body parts like calves and forearms. In higher doses of course it’ll help with the muscular development of our whole body. But in the interest of maintaining symmetry, proportion and athletic functionality, I would advocate against using steroids for gaining base mass. Base mass should be gained from good old fashioned compound movements and high-volume high-intensity workouts.

Would I say that steroids are safe to use? Of course they are. Otherwise they won’t be used by patients or numerous muscular disorders. They’re only not safe when overdosed and excessively abused. What substance is, for that matter? Steroids are no different. Within their stipulated and recommended amounts, they won’t have major side effects.

But there’s still the issue of steroids being banned substances? Well, yeah. It’s political and anyone who knows a thing or two about steroids can see that. No surprise, then, that the Obama Administration might overturn a 20-year old bill that classifies steroids as illegal compounds. Once the Obama Administration removes steroids from the list of illegal substances and steroids can once again be sold over the counter with prescriptions, will they lose their stigma? Probably. Will they be more widely abused? Hard to say.

The thing about steroid use and abuse is that it’s so rampant and people are getting their goods through “underground” channels. If it were to be legalized, legitimate pharmaceutical companies like CIBA, Roche and others will start marketing quality versions in the American market again and it’ll definitely reduce the risk that bodybuilders face as compared to resorting to “underground” substances.

I know quite a number of people who are steroid users and they have not exhibited any serious side-effects from long-term steroid use mainly because they do not overdose or get greedy on it. If any reasonably fit guy asks me if he should get on a steroid regiment in order to be competitive in pro-bodybuilding, I might just say “why not”, as long as he’s making an educated decision with the right expectations.

In conclusion, I’d say that if someone wants to get on ‘roids, he/she may do so. Just as long as he/she is reasonably well-informed about what he/she is about to do, and doesn’t get greedy.

“What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way”

-Johnny Cash, “Hurt”.

I remember my months in Hanoi. I remember my months in Saigon. I remember Phuket. I remember Krabi. I remember my week in Sydney. I remember Arhus. I remember those weeks in Singapore. I remember those getaways to Nilai and Melaka. I remember my nights in Kuching and Kota Kinabalu. I remember those nights walking by myself along Gurney Drive in Penang.

I remember those nights I spent driving without a destination in mind. I remember Banting. I remember Dengkil. I remember getting lost between KKB and Frasers Hill. I remember those nights I headed up to Genting. And of course I remember those drives to Bentong through the dangerous jungle roads. The drives back from Teluk Intan through the coastal road.

Now what in the hell am I talking about right here?

I have no sodding idea. Maybe it’s times like these that I feel like I want to just run, run, run till I can outrun my sorrows and problems.

There’s this shit in engineering (I’m sure it came from Mathematics) called a cuspid curve. That’s like a reflex point.. an inflection point. A point at which something hits a minima before bouncing off again, from the imaginary plane to the real or from the negative plane to the positive (and vice versa).

I guess I’m at that point in my life right now.

What’s the worst thing to invest with? Money? Time? Feelings? Intellect? I’d say that the worst things to invest with are our feelings. When we’ve invested feelings into an enterprise or a venture, we won’t really know what we’d get in return. It’s a high-risk venture with an unknown gain. Some people strike gold and hit it big. Others invest big and get jack shit in return.

I don’t mind investing money, time and intellect into one thing or another, capital-guaranteed or not. But feelings, that’s one currency that we’re wont to invest with but our returns vary greatly from one individual to the next. However, like any other investment, when we don’t keep our eggs in one basket we can gain and lose across the board, and sometimes one gain offsets a loss and we get a net gain, and feel good about it. But if it goes the other way and we end up with a net loss, that’s when we find solace in a Church, in a car, or at the bottom of a bottle, or all three (and not necessarily in that order).

I suppose most of the cusps in the trajectories of our lives are caused by our emotional investments. Nothing alters the paradigms and mentalities contained within our souls and psyches as much as changes or impacts to our emotions.

We’re dealt a blow, and we change. Some of us resist and get screwed up. Some of us bend over backwards and we get screwed up. To rise up from the ashes with added wisdom and a lesson for life is more of an exception than a rule.

Sometimes we’re afraid to have our hearts broken and we end up breaking another’s. Sometimes we’re afraid of breaking another’s heart and at the end of the day the only heart we broke is our own. The size of the crack, or the magnitude of the damage to our hearts, is determined by the amount of emotions we have invested in the very source of the breakage.

Perhaps I’m gradually drifting towards becoming a wild horse again. Perhaps I’m turning to the bottle again. Perhaps I’m finding comfort in solitude again. Perhaps I find more comfort being in my element and letting my hair down without a care in the world rather than being reserved, careful and conservative. I have no idea.

I’m at the cusp of my life, I’m feeling the same old familiar sting, and how I choose to deal with it will plot my direction for the next couple of decades at least.

To whoever it may concern, I’m sorry.. and you can’t return to me, I must return to you, that’s how it’s positioned at this point.

“So I will lose myself and bare my soul
Take this chance cause heaven knows
I’m so far gone, my choice is made
And even if my heart should break

When I lose myself with you tonight
Fall apart or hold on tight
Wrong or right
I’ll always say
You’re the best mistake I ever made”

-Joanna Wang, “Best Mistake I’ve Ever Made”

Soapy, Teabag and Sim. Poor Sim was suffering from lack of sleep, eyebags and all.

So we had our own Kangaroo Bar reunion at Cheers on Friday night, sans a couple more people.. Damien and Avin couldn’t make it. I guess we had our nicknames down pat.. Teabag, Cockburn, Soapy/Soapman.. hell, I’m sure we could come out with more as more stories get shared.

Our time in Cheers was a blast, it was a time to let our hair down, to dedicate songs to our friends in Phuket and to our Unit, and hope for another trip like that.. minus the baggage of course. It’s hard when we’re off to a trip with baggage, and worse still to return with some.

According to Hustler/Soapy/Soapman, apparently I had the most fun at Cheers out of that group. Is it? I can hardly remember. I just remembered that the Pinoy live band over there was rocking and we were having fun with them, dancing and shit. Oh hell, perhaps I was the only one dancing, I dunno. But who gives a shit, that’s what having fun is all about.

I was trying to request for U2’s “With of Without You”, but they didn’t have it.. or rather, he could play it but the lady asked me if I’d like to sing it. Nope, no thanks. I think she either came up to me or put the mic up to my mouth and asked me to sing something but I ended up saying something like “Err.. I sing like shit”. I requested for a Filipino song, “Kailanman”, but they don’t play it. Shit.

So, what did they play? From what I recall, there was YMCA.. there was Mustang Sally.. there must have been something from Elvis ’cause I remember I was saying some shit about The King.

At the end of the day, when the Pinoy band was packing up, the lady came up to me and asked “Are you always this fun or is it because of the drinks?” and Shanker helpfully replied “He’s always like that” to which I said “Yeah. And the drinks too” and she asked again, “So you’re always like this, just having fun? You’re not shy at all and you were just enjoying yourself”. I forgot what I replied, but maybe it was “That’s the general idea”, or “No shit”, or “How about that”. I dunno.

Whatever the hell happened and whatever the hell I said, it was an extremely fun night out with the guys, just to trade stories about our beloved Kangaroo Bar and our faraway friends, and to bust each others’ balls with accusations of “Don’t talk cock!” followed by some nut-busting maneuvers. Hustler got a “Don’t talk cock!” from me related to his creativeness in cleaning up himself, and I think I got several “Don’t talk cock!”s from the other guys due to some inconsistencies in my testimonies about our recent black ops mission.

But you know what.. the solid time we had only made me miss Kangaroo Bar even more. What else can I say but “Pom kit teung Kangaroo Bar mak leuy!!“

“If I wasted your beauty, I’ll ignite it somehow..
’cause a dream can be cruel when it haunts you like this
with your eyes like a deer and the words from your lips

What I’m trying to say is I was afraid that you’d leave
so I slept with my failures and I started to grieve..
I started to grieve..”

-Matthew Ryan, “Some streets lead nowhere”

Daunting decisions bring out the worst in us all. I’m seeing the worst of me coming up right now itself. My head’s like a junkyard full of precious treasures as well as unwanted scraps from days of yore.. and I’m picking at them while they’re cluttering my thoughts.

Of all times, I’m asking myself right now “Is this what I want”. Of all times, I’m asking myself right now “Is this the right way to go”. There could be a catalyst, there could be a trigger.. I could have been Stockholm’ed without realizing it all these years, I don’t bloody well know.

But now, I’m asking myself this question.. Am I doing the right thing? There’s a fork in the road, the choice is black or white, but the considerations are all in heavy shades of gray. This fork was there all along but perhaps I didn’t pay enough attention to it. Perhaps it looked like it was 500 miles away while I was covering half a mile a day. But now here I am, at the point that the road diverges, and I’ve got to make a decision.

I could camp this one out. I could take a break. But if I take a break or distract myself, I could risk not coming down the same path ever again. It could be for better or it could be for worse, I can’t tell at this point, not when my brain’s at its least objective mood in its operational history.

All I can do at this time is to uncluttter my mind and heart and hope for some guidance from on high.

How did you get so drunk and disappointed?
Ain’t nothing here to pull you through
How did you get so drunk and disappointed?
The worst you’d fear is coming true.. it’s coming true

-Matthew Ryan, “Drunk and Disappointed”

Well it had to happen. Our unit is suffering from withdrawal symptoms and we’re gonna meet up tomorrow for an actual situational debriefing.. we all returned from Phuket at different times and different days, so we didn’t really had an opportunity to open up and continue the story-sharing and camaraderie-building after our mission.

Everyone’s missing Phuket, it seems. Everyone’s missing the crazy moments we had, the great friends we made, and the lovely ladies we knew. Some of us still kept in touch with our friends in Phuket, while others didn’t. And of course, everyone missed the one and only KANGAROO BAR.

But most importantly, we’re meeting up tomorrow to keep in touch between ourselves. As Karu put it, we as good friends bonded on a different level while on our mission. It’s probably because we got to see our friends’ hopes and fears, moments of strength and vulnerability, and overall good and bad luck.

Hustler’s under the impression that I had the most fun in Phuket within our unit. I would like to disagree with this statement relative to the rest of our unit because everyone had fantastic fun, but on a personal level I certainly had plenty of fun and plenty of good memories to bring home.

By now I guess our unit’s gonna be a mainstay at each others’ bachelor parties and future trips abroad. We certainly are a bloody fun bunch that’s more than the sum of our parts. I’m looking forward to seeing them again tomorrow, that’s for sure.

Here’s to The Unit!

Just back from Phuket with our own little operational detachment unit.. We should really get together again and do some other fun stuff like this someday.. Thanks so much Frank, Bram, Philip, Leornado, Hans, At, Hustler, Karu, Avin, Mel, Shanker, Damien, Yip.. and most of all “Sim” Dussani.. what a bloody blast we had.

Kangaroo Bar absolutely rules, and it’ll always have a special place somewhere inside of me. The rest of the joints in Bangla Road can kiss my hairy yellow ass. Kangaroo Bar is the only joint in Patong with any degree of decency and dignity!

I figured that at the end of it, it will be like “Mission’s over, exfil in progress” but it’s not as easy as what can be said.

I hereby dedicate these tunes to my best memories of my time in Kangaroo Bar and beyond, here’s to the 14th of June 2009, our final and best night in my best trip yet with the guys.

Eve6 - Here’s to the Night

So denied, so I lied, are you the now or never kind?
In a day, and a day, love I’m gonna be gone for good again
Are you willing to be had? Are you cool with just tonight?
Here’s a toast to all those who hear me all too well

Here’s to the nights we felt alive
Here’s to the tears you knew you’d cry
Here’s to goodbye
Tomorrow’s gonna come too soon

Put your name on the line along with place and time
Wanna stay, not to go, I wanna ditch the logical
Here’s a toast to all those who hear me all too well

Here’s to the nights we felt alive
Here’s to the tears you knew you’d cry
Here’s to goodbye
Tomorrow’s gonna come too soon

All my time is froze in motion
Can’t I stay an hour or two or more?
Don’t let me let you go..

Here’s a toast to all those who hear me all too well

Here’s to the nights we felt alive
Here’s to the tears you knew you’d cry
Here’s to goodbye
Tomorrow’s gonna come too soon

Dishwalla - Angels or Devils

This is the last time
That I’m ever gonna come here tonight
This is the last time - I will fall
Into a place that fails us all - inside

I can see the pain in you
I can see the love in you
but fighting all the demons will take time
It will take time

The angels they burn inside for us
Are we ever
are we ever gonna learn to fly
The devils they burn inside of us
are we ever gonna come back down
Come around
I’m always gonna worry about the things that could make us cold

This is the last time
That I’m ever gonna give in tonight
Are there angels or devils crawling here?
I just want to know what blurs and what is clear - to see

Still I can see the pain in you
and I can see the love in you
And fighting all the demons will take time
It will take time

The angels they burn inside for us
Are we ever
are we ever gonna learn to fly
The devils they burn inside of us
Are we ever gonna come back down - come around
I’m always gonna worry about the things that could break us

If I was to give in - give it up, and then
Take a breath - make it deep
Cause it might be the last one you get
Be the last one
That could make us cold
You know that they could make us cold

I’m always gonna worry about the things that could make us cold

Goo Goo Dolls - Name

And even though the moment passed me by
I still can’t turn away
Cause all the dreams you never thought you’d lose
Got tossed along the way
And letters that you never meant to send
Get lost or thrown away

And now we’re grown up orphans
That never knew their names
We don’t belong to no one
That’s a shame
But if you could hide beside me
Maybe for a while
And I won’t tell no one your name

And I won’t tell ‘em your name

Scars are souvenirs you never lose
The past is never far
Did you lose yourself somewhere out there
Did you get to be a star
And don’t it make you sad to know that life
Is more than who we are

You grew up way too fast
And now there’s nothing to believe
And reruns all become our history
A tired song keeps playing on a tired radio
And I won’t tell no one your name
And I won’t tell em your name

I think about you all the time
But I don’t need the same
It’s lonely where you are come back down
And I won’t tell ‘em your name

Jon Secada - Angel

I, I can’t read the future
But I still want to hold you close
Right now, is all I want from you
So give me the morning
Sharing another day
With you, is all I want to know

And baby I, I’ve tried to forget you
But the light of your eyes still shine
You shine like an angel
A spirit that won’t let me go

I, I didn’t want to tell you
Things I didn’t want to know myself
I was afraid to show
But you gave me a reason
A reason to face the truth
To face the truth, face the truth, face the truth

And baby I, I’ve tried to forget you
But the light of your eyes still shine
You shine like an angel
A spirit that won’t let me go
Won’t let me go
Let go of my heart

Here’s to Kangaroo Bar, to Bangla Road, to Patong, to Phuket. All of them deserve one big HELL YEAH. One door has closed while others may have opened.

“After examining all the evidence and relevant testimonies, I hereby declare this worthy of the Wall of Fame” - Sgt Major Jonas Blane, Alpha Company, SFOD-Delta (303rd Logistical)

“Postcards use short words..
Deserted lovers got what they deserve
Only wished that you had turned to say
It’s alright, I still love you anyway..

Watch that crow as it floats from view
Radio towers and dark hills drift
Photographs are pinned and stretched across
Every promise I broke, every smile you lost…”

-Matthew Ryan, “Drift”

“I used to think that nothing lasts
But I was wrong ’cause some things last
Like the ache of watching you
of letting you sink to sunk

When the past has crawled so high
that you’ve forgotten how you would try
to be the taste on my tongue
long after you had gone

..I’ll leave my words where you can see
should you decide you need me..
Should you decide you need me.”

-Matthew Ryan, “Sunk”