“So I will lose myself and bare my soul
Take this chance cause heaven knows
I’m so far gone, my choice is made
And even if my heart should break

When I lose myself with you tonight
Fall apart or hold on tight
Wrong or right
I’ll always say
You’re the best mistake I ever made”

-Joanna Wang, “Best Mistake I’ve Ever Made”

Soapy, Teabag and Sim. Poor Sim was suffering from lack of sleep, eyebags and all.

So we had our own Kangaroo Bar reunion at Cheers on Friday night, sans a couple more people.. Damien and Avin couldn’t make it. I guess we had our nicknames down pat.. Teabag, Cockburn, Soapy/Soapman.. hell, I’m sure we could come out with more as more stories get shared.

Our time in Cheers was a blast, it was a time to let our hair down, to dedicate songs to our friends in Phuket and to our Unit, and hope for another trip like that.. minus the baggage of course. It’s hard when we’re off to a trip with baggage, and worse still to return with some.

According to Hustler/Soapy/Soapman, apparently I had the most fun at Cheers out of that group. Is it? I can hardly remember. I just remembered that the Pinoy live band over there was rocking and we were having fun with them, dancing and shit. Oh hell, perhaps I was the only one dancing, I dunno. But who gives a shit, that’s what having fun is all about.

I was trying to request for U2’s “With of Without You”, but they didn’t have it.. or rather, he could play it but the lady asked me if I’d like to sing it. Nope, no thanks. I think she either came up to me or put the mic up to my mouth and asked me to sing something but I ended up saying something like “Err.. I sing like shit”. I requested for a Filipino song, “Kailanman”, but they don’t play it. Shit.

So, what did they play? From what I recall, there was YMCA.. there was Mustang Sally.. there must have been something from Elvis ’cause I remember I was saying some shit about The King.

At the end of the day, when the Pinoy band was packing up, the lady came up to me and asked “Are you always this fun or is it because of the drinks?” and Shanker helpfully replied “He’s always like that” to which I said “Yeah. And the drinks too” and she asked again, “So you’re always like this, just having fun? You’re not shy at all and you were just enjoying yourself”. I forgot what I replied, but maybe it was “That’s the general idea”, or “No shit”, or “How about that”. I dunno.

Whatever the hell happened and whatever the hell I said, it was an extremely fun night out with the guys, just to trade stories about our beloved Kangaroo Bar and our faraway friends, and to bust each others’ balls with accusations of “Don’t talk cock!” followed by some nut-busting maneuvers. Hustler got a “Don’t talk cock!” from me related to his creativeness in cleaning up himself, and I think I got several “Don’t talk cock!”s from the other guys due to some inconsistencies in my testimonies about our recent black ops mission.

But you know what.. the solid time we had only made me miss Kangaroo Bar even more. What else can I say but “Pom kit teung Kangaroo Bar mak leuy!!“

“If I wasted your beauty, I’ll ignite it somehow..
’cause a dream can be cruel when it haunts you like this
with your eyes like a deer and the words from your lips

What I’m trying to say is I was afraid that you’d leave
so I slept with my failures and I started to grieve..
I started to grieve..”

-Matthew Ryan, “Some streets lead nowhere”

Daunting decisions bring out the worst in us all. I’m seeing the worst of me coming up right now itself. My head’s like a junkyard full of precious treasures as well as unwanted scraps from days of yore.. and I’m picking at them while they’re cluttering my thoughts.

Of all times, I’m asking myself right now “Is this what I want”. Of all times, I’m asking myself right now “Is this the right way to go”. There could be a catalyst, there could be a trigger.. I could have been Stockholm’ed without realizing it all these years, I don’t bloody well know.

But now, I’m asking myself this question.. Am I doing the right thing? There’s a fork in the road, the choice is black or white, but the considerations are all in heavy shades of gray. This fork was there all along but perhaps I didn’t pay enough attention to it. Perhaps it looked like it was 500 miles away while I was covering half a mile a day. But now here I am, at the point that the road diverges, and I’ve got to make a decision.

I could camp this one out. I could take a break. But if I take a break or distract myself, I could risk not coming down the same path ever again. It could be for better or it could be for worse, I can’t tell at this point, not when my brain’s at its least objective mood in its operational history.

All I can do at this time is to uncluttter my mind and heart and hope for some guidance from on high.