Being a gym buff (once upon a time) and also a gearhead, I’ve often been asked these questions - what the hell are steroids? Are they safe to use? Is it worth the trouble? Why are they banned in so many countries?

“Steroids” are actually a general term for any substance that is derived from cholesterol. Corticosteroids, which happen to be excellent anti-inflammatory agents (such as hydrocortisone and betamethasone) do not have much anabolic effects and can’t be used for bodybuilding, but they’re technically steroids. Therefore, from this point on, when we mention the term “steroids”, we’re actually referring to AAS, i.e. Androgenic and Anabolic Steroids.. steroids that have a positive effect on protein synthesis and testosterone levels; steroids than have anabolic and androgenic properties.

While I was at Thailand, I demonstrated to my friends (to their surprise) of how easily steroids are available over the counter in most pharmacies. Just ask them if they have it, and they’ll whip out a catalog for us to choose. Actually, it’s the same case in India, Brazil and many other countries. Steroids are sold over-the-counter in pharmacies, with descriptions of legitimate medical indications, e.g. “For the treatment of such-and-such syndrome and the promotion of protein synthesis”.

Many gym buffs or people who are trying to get fit would be tempted to get on ‘roids at one time or another, myself included. But we always have serious reservations - are they safe? Why are they illegal in most countries?

Let’s start with the latter question. Why are they illegal in many countries?

This was a remnant of Reagan-era politics. During the Reagan Administration, steroids were labelled as “drugs”, and the “War on Drugs” extended to steroids. It’s more of a political maneuver than a scientific one, as hundreds and thousands of athletes continue using steroids under medical supervision, and steroids are a part of AIDS patients’ cocktail of drugs to combat muscle wasting.

Here are some quick facts about most AAS:

1) By themselves, they’re not chemically “addictive”. Steroids do not cause addiction.

2) Steroids have drastic side effects, but only in unreasonably high doses. Hell, we get bad side effects from excessive sugar and rice too, right?

3) Different steroids have different pathways and different effects.

4) Not all steroids are created equal. The risk of side effects and the potential for big gains are inversely proportionate. The faster-acting a steroidal compound is, the higher the likelihood of short-term and long-term side effects. The “weaker” a steroidal compound is, the less its likelihood to impart detrimental side effects.

Alright, so what the heck are steroids anyway? I’ve heard bullshitters at the gym that said steroids are chemicals that help you build muscles. In Thailand, the pharmacists refer to steroids as “hormones”. Both are technically not-so-correct, but the former more so. Steroids are not merely “chemicals”. Steroids are derivatives of testosterone (or other steroidal hormones such as nortestosterone, dihydrotestosterone and ecdysterone), or they could also be agonists of protein synthesis that do or do not involve the action of androgenic receptors (that is mediated by testosterone).

Arguably the first steroid ever discovered was androstenone, which gave scientists a clue towards the discovery of testosterone (which is actually a contraction of a very descriptive name that was coined upon its discovery - testicular sterol ketone, whereby “sterol” refers to “steroid alcohol”). Testosterone was basically an organic ketone that exerts effects on steroidal receptors, and it originates from the testicles. Anyway, back to steroids being derivatives of testosterone and the like.

One of the most “popular” forms of steroids are testosterone esters. These are nothing but the hormone testosterone itself that’s binded to at least 3 to 4 different esters of different chain-lengths. These esters decay in water at different rates, and upon their complete decay they will release the free testosterone molecule. That’s how testosterone esters achieve their “timed release”. 4 different esters of different chain lengths, decaying at different rates, thus releasing free testosterone in the blood stream at different rates. By carefully selecting the appropriate ratio of testosterone esters based on the esters’ half-lives, a user can ensure a steady elevation of free testosterone levels for up to a week.

What the heck do all these free testosterone molecules do?

Well, for one, they’ll bind to the steroidal receptors on the muscle tissues. Receptors and agonists function like locks and keys. When an agonist binds to a receptor, it will open the lock, i.e. activate a function. In this case, when testosterone binds to the steroidal receptors, it will trigger the muscle to grow via hypertrophy. Muscular protein uptake will increase, and protein synthesis to thicken the muscles’ myofibrils will ramp up.

Another mechanism in which steroids can act is to activate protein synthesis directly without binding to the steroidal receptors. Some steroids have a strong anabolic (muscle-building) response but a weak androgenic (sex-hormone related effects) response, but this is not always the case. Most steroids have strong anabolic AND androgenic responses. Those with minimal androgenic response are those that do not trigger the steroidal receptors directly.

For here, we can see a potential to maximize our gains - by combining steroids that are androgenic/anabolic, together with steroids that are anabolic and not-so-androgenic, and combine it further with stuff that dampen androgenic response. That is how the practice of “stacking” steroids came about.

For example, testosterone esters are very anabolic and androgenic at the same time. When you’re on it, you’ll be getting acne, water retention, balding, etc. (all those unwanted androgenic responses) in addition to massive muscle gains. Those androgenic responses happen due to testosterone’s tendency to aromatize to estrogen.

To minimize androgenic effects, we must then combine testosterone esters with some estrogen blocker, which are usually breast cancer medication such as Tamoxifen and Nolvadex.

Waiting for an anabolic response from steroidal receptor action will take some time, sometimes up to 3 weeks. So what do we do in the meantime? How do we get our bodies up to speed? Well, naturally we’ll have to jack up protein synthesis without raising androgenic effects in the meantime. Combining another steroid like Dianabol early in the stack will help with this, since Dianabol is quite fast-acting and triggers protein synthesis in a very rapid and direct manner.

And there we have it, a classic stack that is used by bodybuilders - Dianabol to give some gains while testosterone esters are taking their own sweet time to kick in, in combination with Nolvadex or Tamoxifen to reduce androgenic effects. That’s what the bodybuilders that I know use.

But what are these side effects that people always hear about? Steroids’ side effects can be divided into two broad categories:

1) Androgenic side effects

2) Liver-related side effects

Androgenic side effects are the most common. They’re the direct result of the masculinizing effects of testosterone on women (for women steroid users), or the aromatization of testosterone into estrogen (for men users). This can be overcome or avoided by using smaller dosages of steroids, or stacking them with estrogen blockers (for men).

As for liver-related side effects, they are the result of overloading the liver with oral steroids for more than 4 or 5 weeks. While testosterone esters are injectable steroids, others such as stanolozol and dianabol are oral steroids that need to be metabolized or processed by the liver in order to take effect. However, the human liver is so damn efficient that it’s more likely to neutralize steroids before they can exert any effect. So, oral steroids are made with an alkyl group attached to the 17-alpha position of a testosterone molecule, a process known as 17-alpha alkylation. Alkylation involves methylation or ethylation of the testosterone molecule, thus replacing the hydrogen atom with a carbon atom.

17-Alpha-alkylation through methylation and ethylation serve to enable steroids to pass through the liver without being broken down, but at a cost- the liver isn’t able to metabolize the modified molecule, and thus the methylated or ethylated testosterone molecules pass through the liver undamaged while retaining their androgenic and anabolic properties. The alkyl group cannot be removed by the liver and the testosterone (or other steroid molecule) isn’t able to be rendered inactive to their 17-keto steroid form.

Subsequently, the liver has to work overtime to metabolize the modified molecules but to no avail. This is the factor that causes extra stress to the liver in users of oral steroids. Alkylation of testosterone with different methyls and esters can give rise to different combinations of steroid molecules with various anabolic and androgenic effects, hence the wide variety of steroids available in the market. However, 17-alpha alkylation also comes with another price - when the testosterone derivative aromatizes to an estrogenic compound, it would be a methyl estradiol equivalent, i.e. a potent estrogenic compound. Thus, 17-alpha alkylated steroids could be more potent that testosterone esters and testosterone suspension, but they could also potentially impart more significant estrogenic effects.

Therein lies the difference of reality vs perception - many would think that oral steroids are safer than injectable steroids, because if you use an injectable (like T-esters or Deca durabolin) you’ll look like a junkie. The truth is that injectables are always safer than orals. However, orals are often faster-acting than injectables. Orals also have much shorter half-lifes (a few hours for Dianabol, versus a few weeks for testosterone esters) so they stay in our bodies for a shorter period of time.

(However, even the claim that orals increase the odds of liver damage seems contentious - traditional methods of determining liver damage involve mainly ALT/SGPT and AST/SGOT tests, which test cell damage by gauging enzyme leakage. That was what the steroid-related liver damage research was based upon. However, ALT and AST values can also be elevated by MUSCLE DAMAGE. Hence, the increased serum glutamic values could be from damaged muscle cells as a result of high-intensity workouts in steroid users, and not necessarily from liver damage due to steroid use. Tests that can reveal the difference between muscle cell damage and liver cell damage, such as creatine kinase testing in combination with GGT, provide circumstantial evidence that oral steroids do not cause liver damage in doses taken by bodybuilders after all..)

Through all of this, a common thread can be seen- steroid usage involves compromises. Bigger gains at the expense of health. Lesser liver damage at the expense of gains. However, this doesn’t only apply to steroid usage, it applies to most supplement usage. Only that with steroids, the effects are faster, both in terms of gain and side-effects.

There’s another thing about steroids - no matter what, they’re just like supplements. You can’t be popping some potent AAS like Dianabol and sit on your ass all day, and expect to grow muscles from out of nowhere. It doesn’t work like that. Steroids are a helping-hand when you’re PAST your genetic limit. Only when you’ve reached a plateau will you find steroids helpful, and even so you’ll need to work your ass off to get that extra mile. Steroids help you to break down the obstacles a bit, but it’s no free ride.

What’s the most realistic expectations can one have from steroids? Personally, I would say that it would help with lagging body parts like calves and forearms. In higher doses of course it’ll help with the muscular development of our whole body. But in the interest of maintaining symmetry, proportion and athletic functionality, I would advocate against using steroids for gaining base mass. Base mass should be gained from good old fashioned compound movements and high-volume high-intensity workouts.

Would I say that steroids are safe to use? Of course they are. Otherwise they won’t be used by patients or numerous muscular disorders. They’re only not safe when overdosed and excessively abused. What substance is, for that matter? Steroids are no different. Within their stipulated and recommended amounts, they won’t have major side effects.

But there’s still the issue of steroids being banned substances? Well, yeah. It’s political and anyone who knows a thing or two about steroids can see that. No surprise, then, that the Obama Administration might overturn a 20-year old bill that classifies steroids as illegal compounds. Once the Obama Administration removes steroids from the list of illegal substances and steroids can once again be sold over the counter with prescriptions, will they lose their stigma? Probably. Will they be more widely abused? Hard to say.

The thing about steroid use and abuse is that it’s so rampant and people are getting their goods through “underground” channels. If it were to be legalized, legitimate pharmaceutical companies like CIBA, Roche and others will start marketing quality versions in the American market again and it’ll definitely reduce the risk that bodybuilders face as compared to resorting to “underground” substances.

I know quite a number of people who are steroid users and they have not exhibited any serious side-effects from long-term steroid use mainly because they do not overdose or get greedy on it. If any reasonably fit guy asks me if he should get on a steroid regiment in order to be competitive in pro-bodybuilding, I might just say “why not”, as long as he’s making an educated decision with the right expectations.

In conclusion, I’d say that if someone wants to get on ‘roids, he/she may do so. Just as long as he/she is reasonably well-informed about what he/she is about to do, and doesn’t get greedy.

“What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way”

-Johnny Cash, “Hurt”.

I remember my months in Hanoi. I remember my months in Saigon. I remember Phuket. I remember Krabi. I remember my week in Sydney. I remember Arhus. I remember those weeks in Singapore. I remember those getaways to Nilai and Melaka. I remember my nights in Kuching and Kota Kinabalu. I remember those nights walking by myself along Gurney Drive in Penang.

I remember those nights I spent driving without a destination in mind. I remember Banting. I remember Dengkil. I remember getting lost between KKB and Frasers Hill. I remember those nights I headed up to Genting. And of course I remember those drives to Bentong through the dangerous jungle roads. The drives back from Teluk Intan through the coastal road.

Now what in the hell am I talking about right here?

I have no sodding idea. Maybe it’s times like these that I feel like I want to just run, run, run till I can outrun my sorrows and problems.

There’s this shit in engineering (I’m sure it came from Mathematics) called a cuspid curve. That’s like a reflex point.. an inflection point. A point at which something hits a minima before bouncing off again, from the imaginary plane to the real or from the negative plane to the positive (and vice versa).

I guess I’m at that point in my life right now.

What’s the worst thing to invest with? Money? Time? Feelings? Intellect? I’d say that the worst things to invest with are our feelings. When we’ve invested feelings into an enterprise or a venture, we won’t really know what we’d get in return. It’s a high-risk venture with an unknown gain. Some people strike gold and hit it big. Others invest big and get jack shit in return.

I don’t mind investing money, time and intellect into one thing or another, capital-guaranteed or not. But feelings, that’s one currency that we’re wont to invest with but our returns vary greatly from one individual to the next. However, like any other investment, when we don’t keep our eggs in one basket we can gain and lose across the board, and sometimes one gain offsets a loss and we get a net gain, and feel good about it. But if it goes the other way and we end up with a net loss, that’s when we find solace in a Church, in a car, or at the bottom of a bottle, or all three (and not necessarily in that order).

I suppose most of the cusps in the trajectories of our lives are caused by our emotional investments. Nothing alters the paradigms and mentalities contained within our souls and psyches as much as changes or impacts to our emotions.

We’re dealt a blow, and we change. Some of us resist and get screwed up. Some of us bend over backwards and we get screwed up. To rise up from the ashes with added wisdom and a lesson for life is more of an exception than a rule.

Sometimes we’re afraid to have our hearts broken and we end up breaking another’s. Sometimes we’re afraid of breaking another’s heart and at the end of the day the only heart we broke is our own. The size of the crack, or the magnitude of the damage to our hearts, is determined by the amount of emotions we have invested in the very source of the breakage.

Perhaps I’m gradually drifting towards becoming a wild horse again. Perhaps I’m turning to the bottle again. Perhaps I’m finding comfort in solitude again. Perhaps I find more comfort being in my element and letting my hair down without a care in the world rather than being reserved, careful and conservative. I have no idea.

I’m at the cusp of my life, I’m feeling the same old familiar sting, and how I choose to deal with it will plot my direction for the next couple of decades at least.

To whoever it may concern, I’m sorry.. and you can’t return to me, I must return to you, that’s how it’s positioned at this point.